This evening my wife started yelling extremely loudly at our 9-year-old son, at the dinner table, because he was turning the pages of a school workbook when he should have been eating.  She walked up to his chair and yelled at his ear, when she was about 18 inches from his ear.  [I don't know if that's enough to cause hearing damage in a child of his age.]   I thought my wife was over-reacting.  I said that the boy should come and sit beside me.  My wife semi-ridiculed me for doing so.   I said: "I am only trying to protect him".  She said angrily: "It's ME that is trying to protect him".    I felt a little perplexed because my wife's reply was a bit like echo-lalia.  Perhaps mistakenly I then said that I was trying to protect him from verbal abuse.  Then she swore quitely at me (using the f-word) - she often swears at me or the kids these days.  I gently encouraged the 9-year-old to eat his dinner.  He was rather subdued after his mother's loud shouting.  I spoon-fed him and he seemed to be ok, albeit rather quiet.  I didn't complain to him about having to spoon feed him because I felt that his inaction was perhaps a natural reaction to the hysterics that he had just been subjected to.  I felt rather upset inside but I tried to put a brave face on the situation.  I feel a little helpless because I can't discuss the family problems with others as I don't think I would be believed and besides I don't know if discussing it with others would be the right thing to do anyway.  I think our family need help - perhaps a family therapist.

I finished dinner before my wife, so I went upstairs to write some comments on the computer for not more than 5 minutes.  The rest of the family were all in the kitchen, still eating dinner.  While I was logging the above paragraph on the computer my wife quickly came upstairs and said that the baby (age 17 months) was downstairs in the kitchen on his own.  I said something like: "I thought you were downstairs a minute ago".  She replied, louder: "I thought he was with YOU".  I went downstairs and the baby was in his high chair in the kitchen, on his own.  Obviously I got him cleaned up (babies always get a bit messy when eating) and ready for bed - I would never neglect him even if others abandon him and I'm sure most parents in that situation would respond the way I did.

6:30am  I got up to have a shower and I went to our daughter's bedroom.  Our daughter was already dressed and I told her that I was impressed by her punctuality.  After my shower, Son#1 (age 9) was dressed too, and I commented on how impressed I was at our daughter (age 12) and Son#1 both being so quick.  I was so pleased to see them looking so happy.  I took a photo of our daughter and Son#1 in their school uniforms.  I then got Son#3 (age 5) dressed, and he seemed in a good mood too. 

7:15am  Our daughter, Son#1 and Son#3 were dressed.  Son#2 was getting dressed.  My wife got up out of bed.  Son#4 was still in his cot.

7:30am  My wife started yelling extremely loudly and angrily at our daughter because she would not put on her new raincoat before going out.  She shouted and yelled and used quite a few swear words when shouting at her.  Our daughter said that the coat was too big for her.  To some extent our daughter shouted back almost as loudly as her mother.  I said to my wife that she was shouting too loudly, and my wife suddenly became very angry with me.  She was angry that our daughter was not wearing the new raincoat that she had bought and that our daughter was intending to use an umbrella instead and she said that our daughter would get soaked and make herself ill.  She continued shouting deafeningly, mainly at our daughter but partly at me, and I put my fingers in my ears.  She said (shouting extremely loudly) that I didn't care about her or anyone else in the family and I think the younger children must have believed her.  She looked and sounded like she believed it herself!  The boys were too afraid to put their fingers in their ears (perhaps because they had heard me being criticised for doing so myself) and I was worried that their young ears might suffer hearing loss.  It was time for our daughter to go and catch the school bus, which was due to depart from the bus stop about 5 minutes walk away.  Our daughter left the house looking as though she was about to cry.  My wife continued yelling and swearing in front of the kids and eventually she burst into tears.  Her face was florid red and I think it's no exaggeration to say that she was hysterical and overcome with emotion.  I felt sad that my daughter, on the morning of her very first day at the new school, should have to leave the house in tears.

7:45am  The 3 boys looked very subdued, and almost tearful, and they seemed to believe that our daughter was about to die of hypothermia or exposure, presumably because of the things their mother had been saying.  I think I must have sounded subdued and deadpan myself, but inside I saw myself as trying to do the job of a psychiatric nurse, and having no idea how to do my job.  Son#1 pleaded with me to take our daughter's raincoat to the bus stop to give it to our daughter so that she would not die of exposure.  I took the raincoat across (5 minutes walk) and our daughter was waiting at the bus stop with her school friend.  None of the pupils at the bus stop had raincoats, so our daughter was certainly not alone in that respect (the boys were wearing anoraks and the girls were just wearing school blazers).  I told our daughter that her brothers (i.e. my sons) had asked me to take the raincoat to her.  She seemed to understand the situation.  I asked our daughter if she had room for the raincoat in her school bag.  Our daughter put the raincoat in her bag, and I think she understood that this was the best thing to do in the circumstances.  Whether I should have or should not have, I told our daughter that the house was just as noisy after she left as it was before she left.  Her friend then said to me that her house had been completely quiet this morning and the only noise in her house was the noise of the hamster in the cage.  I got the impression that our daughter had been telling her friend about this morning's turn of events, and I wouldn't blame her for doing so.

8:00am  I returned to the house and told my wife that none of the schoolgirls were wearing a raincoat and that I was not willing to insist that our daughter wears one. 

6:30pm  When I got back from work my wife was determined to complain repeatedly about our daughter's failure to wear a raincoat at school.  I think she wanted me to support her in insisting that our daughter wears the raincoat that my wife had bought for her.  Once she had done lots of complaining (upsetting our daughter in the process) she then told me that the teacher had complained of Son#3's 'tiredness', saying that Son#3 needed to get to bed earlier tonight.  I wondered if perhaps Son#3's possible state of shock (from the morning's incredibly loud shouting and swearing) might have looked like tiredness to the teacher, but then at age 5 I suppose children bounce back quickly even after melodramatic events.  Personally I find it difficult to get over such drama and I don't think it's good for parents to shout and swear so angrily in front of children.
 

A few weeks ago, at a staff social event, one of my colleagues made a comment about how I am always looking exhausted whenever he sees me.  This afternoon, while I was in the office, I actually fell asleep at my desk for a few minutes, though luckily none of my colleagues seemed to notice.  My colleagues could not possibly understand if I tried to explain the reason for my chronic tiredness to them, and besides, it might be morally wrong for me to detract my partner, and who would believe me anyway?  The problem is that I need to get up for work two hours before my partner has to get up, and it seems impossible for me to explain to my partner that I therefore need to go to bed two hours before she does.  Anyway, this evening I decided to tell my partner what my colleague had said about my tiredness.  She (my partner) was keenly interested to know which colleague had said it, but I thought it inappropriate and irrelevant to divulge that information, so I said something like "I don't want to point fingers at people".  I said that I needed to get to bed because I was very tired (besides I was feeling run-down with a cold as well, and the previous month I had suffered a chest infection and at that time I had no opportunity to rest properly - incidentally my partner doesn't like to see me ill in bed and she complains bitterly if I don't do my fair share of the household chores during my period of illness - so maybe that makes it harder for me to recover from illness properly.) 

I went to bed before the children.  My partner complained that the kids were not yet in bed and I asked her if she would mind putting them to bed tonight (usually I put them to bed, and I am happy to do so when I'm not too tired).  To my pleasant surprise she didn't fly off the handle and she didn't complain about me being selfish for going to bed before her.  She just said calmly that she would be coming to bed shortly.  She went to watch TV for a while but in the end my partner kept to her word and she put the kids to bed.  The boys came to my bedside asking for their usual bedtime story but I said I was too tired tonight.  (I did feel a little concerned because I think the bedtime-story routine is good for the boys and, in our particular family, I think it acts as a kind of safety valve to protect the boys from developing parental alienation syndrome, if you understand the effect a narcissist's backbiting/criticising has on kids.  But really I urgently needed rest and recuperation).

The following morning I felt much more refreshed, after a longer-than-usual sleep.  The kitchen was clean even although I hadn't cleaned it.  I was able to face going into work, and my cold-like symptoms were much lessened.  The long-term problem isn't solved, however, and if my job were to go then we would have to curb our spending dramatically - and how on earth would you persuade a narcissistic person to curb spending?

2004 12 29

It was a mild, windy morning and I was tired.  I had said to my wife the previous evening that I would go in to work early in the morning to sort out my timesheet.  In the end I probably got up about 8:30 am and did not go out to work until around 9:30.  I skipped breakfast because I was concerned about the time.  I returned home about 11 am.  My wife said that she was not feeling well.  I offered to take the three older children out if my wife could look after the 9-month-old. She agreed.  After lunch, I took the three older children for a forest walk.  It was damp, but mild, although there were some patches of snow next to the forest path.  The trees did, however, help to buffer us from the wind.  I very much enjoyed the afternoon.  My wife prepared the dinner, which was a very good meal.

After dinner, I started to wash the crockery and had done approximately one third of them when I suggested that the children could watch a DVD once they had finished their dinner, put their pyjamas on and tidied up the living room.  The children complied and we all watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I decided to join the family, although I had not finished washing the dishes, although I could have continued to wash the dishes while the rest of the household watched the film, but that would have seemed unfriendly to me considering children often like to watch a film with their parents.

Immediately after the film, about 8:30pm, I gave the boys some milk and took them upstairs to brush their teeth and go to bed.  The boys behaved reasonably well.  I said to the eldest (i.e. our daughter) that she could either go to bed or practice the piano but that she would have to practice the piano properly and not play around.  After a few minutes my wife sent her to bed, saying that she was not practicing the piano properly.  She screamed and said that her mother was pulling feathers from her new pink feather slippers.  I told her to go up the stairs immediately.  She refused.  I led her up the stairs and sent her to her room to go to bed.  She screamed very loudly and woke up the baby.  The baby started crying.  He was nearly 9 months old.  She accused her mother of damaging the slippers in a very loud voice.  My wife went into her bedroom and gave her some substantial smacks on the bottom.  I was of the view that my wife was entirely justified in smacking our eldest child.  I said to my daughter that she had no right to shout at her mother, especially for something as trivial as slippers. I said to my daughter something like "I hope you are proud of upsetting the poor baby while thinking only of yourself".  I said that the people in the cartoon threw away the midas hand because it made people fight and that if the slippers were going to make her scream at her mother then we would be better off without the slippers.

When I came back downstairs, my wife was in the living room.  She said to me that she was going to take our daughter's pink feather slippers, which were a Christmas present from one of her aunts, and send it to the poor children, and she asked me if I would agree to this.  I said that I did not agree to giving the slippers away (because they had been given to our daughter as a gift from someone else) but I said that the slippers should be confiscated for a full seven days.  My wife said that she agreed to this.  She then asked me if we should take away one of her Christmas boxes or chocolates.  I said that these were also gifts from relatives and that we should wait and see how her behaviour is during the rest of the evening.

I then went upstairs and picked up the baby, who was still crying and took him downstairs.  I gave him some milk and he calmed down.  I was in the kitchen speaking to my wife and holding the baby in my arms when she said that she was annoyed with me because the dishwater was cold and I had not completed doing the dishes.  I said something like "What do you want me to do?  Did you want me to wash the dishes while you and the children watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?  I could not have done any more.  Immediately after the film I took the boys to bed and then I helped to deal with our daughter's behavour, and then I picked up the baby because he was crying and fed him some milk.  I did not have any opportunity to finish washing the dishes.  If I had washed the dishes I might have been criticised for not taking the boys to bed or not dealing with our daughter's behaviour or not attending to the baby.".  My wife then immediately said very loudly that it was typical of me and that I should be concerned about my own soul before being concerned about anyone else's.  I said "please don't shout, you will upset the baby".  I then proceeded to walk briskly from the kitchen to the living room and closed the door behind me.  My wife made hasty pursuit so I held the handle of the living room door (from the living room side) to prevent her from entering the living room, while holding the baby in my other arm.

My wife tried to open the door to come in while speaking loudly or shouting.  She then pressed her shoulder very hard against the glass panel in the (relatively old) door, causing the glass to smash.  The glass fell mainly on the living room side of the door and some of it landed next to my feet.  I was still holding the baby.  I said something like "you lunatic!".  Our daughter came about half way downstairs clearly upset and scared.  I asked her to note which side of the door the glass had fallen on and she confirmed that the glass had fallen on my side of the door (ie the living room side).  I was still holding the baby.  I said to my wife something like "I am seriously concerned about the safety of my children, you need to be sectioned!  This is a recordable incident".  My wife tried to knock one or two shards of glass from the door and one flew into the living room, narrowly missing my foot.  I do not think for a minute that it was deliberate.  I said again "I am concerned for the safety of my children" and she replied "That's surprising coming from you, you don't look after the children properly".  I was surprised by this answer because I had spent the afternoon with three of the children and they had  managed to walk quite a long forest walk with me, including one boy who was only two and three quarter years old.

My wife went to fetch a brush and shovel while I wrote this account down.  I was concerned to write an accurate account and I did not consider the cleaning up of the glass to be an immediately urgent task because the children were now all upstairs.  I was also holding baby.  I asked my wife if she would give me a brush and shovel but she said "Not while you are holding the baby".  I therefore considered myself to be unable to do anything regarding the glass, while my wife swept up the glass into a plastic bin bag. 

I phoned the emergency number on the house insurance to report the incident but they said that it would be best to phone in the morning about 8.30 am.

I spoke with my daughter for a bit and explained to her that she really must not shout at her mother because it will upset her mother and I said that she would need to say sorry to her mother in the morning.  My wife came into the room (our daughter's bedroom) and said to me rather forcefully that she did not think I should be talking to our daughter before talking to her.

I then discussed with my wife and we both agreed that the past year had been a difficult year and that we were both finding life hard.  I said that the circumstances were affecting my work and that I was depressed.  My wife said something similar (i.e. that she was finding things hard).  We then said some prayers.  We then discussed making about four points that we would try to follow, these being:

1. We would set aside 5 minutes at the end of each day to identify one another's good deeds, good points or achievements and to allow one another sufficient space to make a few point each.  We would also spend up to 5 minutes expressing concerns in a mature manner (but not to make any attacks against anyone, especially not the children).  We would endeavour not to shout or swear.

2. We would aim to go out about once per fortnight (or more if babysitters permit) just the two of us, without the older children and preferably without the baby.  Each partner would take turns to choose the venue so that no partner dominates.  Both partners would try to get babysitters.

3. We would not shout at one another or swear at one another in front of the children and (provided shouting/swearing does not occur) try not to walk out of the room (unless a monologue ensues).  A monologue will be considered to be a one-way conversation lasting more than about 3 minutes.  We would try not to interrupt one another (except to break up a monologue).

When I got home from work my wife had just left for her work and the babysitter was in.  She is an experienced mother with grown-up children herself.  She noticed the way my daughter (age 10) immediately started telling me, the minute I walked into the house, how to feed the baby and what to feed him.  I responded calmly saying "you should speak to me respectfully".  My daughter retorted with words to the effect that she had every right to speak to me this way and that she was not being disrespectful anyway.  The babysitter immediately backed me up saying something like "your father is right and he has a right to be respected - you should show more appreciation about having just been given those lovely new boots".  I then said to my daughter "who brings money into the house to let you get things like new boots?".  My daughter replied "Mummy!".  The babysitter spoke again saying something like "it is both of your parents who bring money in, now why don't you help feed the baby instead of just telling your father to do it - your father is entitled to get some rest after his work". 

How I wish my wife was as supportive of this rather than always backing up my daughter and telling me how I never feed the baby "correctly" (i.e. not in precise accordance with her preferred methodology) and telling me not to be so sensitive to the way my daughter speaks to me.

I'm grateful to have a non-narcissist in the house.

I hope the reader understands that I am using the "littlefrance" username to log family problems with a view to eventually getting professional help.
 

I've been ill over the last few days with diarrhoea and nausea.  At first my wife made a big deal about the smell in the toilet and bedroom and about how I was not able to keep the WC clean.  She made it seem like a major issue.  Then she started complaining vehemently about how I was not doing my fair share of the housework and how she (the victim?) was left to do "nearly everything" (as she put it) while I lay in bed.  She has been swearing a lot in the house (but not when visitors are present when she suddenly seems to ditch all of her anger until the visitors leave).

Over the past few days the baby (age 7 months) has been the target of a sizeable share of her anger and resentment.  This includes her shouting at the baby, particularly during the night.  The baby seems to respond to her anger by crying but when this happens he seems to cry in an emotional sort of way that I don't normally associate with babies (so it seems a little bizarre).  One time, when my wife was shouting loudly at our daughter the baby seemed to cry in his sleep for a few moments while she was shouting at her.

My wife wanted to go out in the car and I said that I had left some belongings in the car and that if she was willing to hold the baby just for a few minutes I could clear out my belongings.  She expressed anger at me leaving belongings in the car and shouted loudly.  The baby (whom I was holding at the time) started crying in a distressed sort of way as though he had become sensitised to her anger.  My wife point blank refused to hold the baby even for one minute and stormed out of the house.  She went into the car.  I shall have to remove my belongings later when the baby is asleep